Last night I was so excited by my soul armour that I couldn't wait to have "show & tell" with my Dear Heart and he was appropriately impressed! Gleaming with pride and feeling light as a feather until he piped up with "you know you've made a spelling mistake ..."
POP ... deflated, hurt and resentful.
We had a bit of a tiff.
While trying to go to sleep I mulled over this issue and know that it is not what Dear Heart said but my reaction to it that is the problem. My self confidence is a fragile thing and any time I perceive a threat to it a monster rears its ugly head and attacks ... it is horrible and does nothing to increase my confidence or improve my relationship.
I now all the theory about changing the negative talk that goes on in my head ... replacing it with positive affirmations etc., but in practice I never seem to actually achieve this. I make a start but quickly fall back into bad habits and it is so easy to blame outside influences for the regression rather than admit that I have become too comfortable with these negative thoughts and feelings ... too afraid to let them go.
What am I afraid of !?! Why, when I know what must be done, can I not leap ahead and value myself?
Ahhhh ... so this is what my armour is for? To make me look honestly at the things that keep me following a path that traps me in self destruction. To help me recognise those things that I already have and what I may need to set me on the path to attain self confidence and freedom to be me without fear. To protect me from myself as well as from others.
The first step is the hardest and the journey has begun.
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9 comments:
the same thing happens to me...i am doing a little better by it but just by a thread...and i am old as dirt..so i don't suppose it really will ever disappear...
i am there for you if that helps
:-)
I so understand how that feels. For me it is that I take everything so seriously. So when I decided to start making art I decided to NOT take it seriously. It is real hard and I have to force myself to laugh at my mistakes. But slowly it has worked and I do not get so freaky about my art. Now and then though, well, it still happens. Keep trying and keep pushing yourself. Oh, and remember, the only opinion that really counts is YOURS!
Girl, you are an artist NOT, I repeat, NOT a spelling bee master. I can't spell to save my life and I have accepted that. What I can do is creat some really pretty pieces just like you have done. And in my opinion the spelling mistake just makes it more "you"
So chin up girl b/c your armour rocks and your journal is awsome and your DH loves you even if he dosn't understand how to gracefully tell you his opinion. Remember he has other great traits, focus on those in him and focus on your superb talent!
Hope you have a healthy creative soul day :)
Quilters put a mistake in their work...somewhere...to prove that they are just human and not perfect. Also to get the viewer to look 'closer' at the whole design. Be thankful you have a husband that looks close enough....it's ok. It makes your work personal...and you will look back on this page in your journal and remember how you felt...your feelings! Isn't that what this journey is all about? You do wonderful work and it is only getting richer.
Great post, its hard sometimes not to be hurt by comments etc.... Lucky we are preparing our suit of armour!!!
I do some quilting too, so I like the idea of putting a mistake on each page to prove we are only human.
Hi everyone ... tears are trickling down my face ... I am amazed by the support and encouragement ... my heart has just swelled up with love. Thank you all and thanks to Sarah for the inspiration
Hey girl there is a F..k Up on every page you just have to know where it is. Most people hide them carefully.
Love HRH
Learning to value yourself is a process. It takes time. You make great choices and you only have to be you. Nothing is more important than that.
All my life, I had lived with and around people who only told me when I was doing something they felt was wrong...and never seemed to notice the "right" stuff. I hope it's OK to say this, here, but I've learned that The Universe will mirror your fears. If, somewhere inside you, you feel like you are not enough, that will be mirrored back to you in the comments and reactions of friends and family. So, now, if someone says something negative, I ask myself "why did I create that"? As soon as I started taking responsibility for my feelings and stopped blaming others, whether it be government, family, whoever...it seemed miraculous, how the pats-on-the-back started rolling in. I make this sound simple...and it is...but the process of changing our feelings can be long and arduous. That's why this journaling is so great and it looks like you are already benefiting. Way to go!
The same thing happens to me on everything I do. I used to throw stuff away and start over completly. I have learned to embrace it now (somewhat) and try to work it into my art. My mistakes are a part of me, and for people to accept my art they have to accept me.
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